This is now a review blog.

   If you (the nonexistent reader) read the title, than you are probably wondering what is going on, well this blog is no longer about surreal comedy. I have realized that there really isn't much of a market for surrealist how to guide parodies due to my insignificant amount of views. This blog will now be about reviewing movies, tv shows and most importantly comics. Now there are a lot of blogs reviewing all  those things, but I have devised a method to make this blog special. This method of reviewing comics is that I will review whatever I am currently reading one issue at a time, and get the just of it out without spoilers.
   Understand that I may have trouble getting images from the comics due to technical issues but I will try as hard as I can, if you want me to review a comic then give me a recommendation. Understand that while I will view these recommendations I will not always follow through on them unless you send the comic to me as it is my money, also stand alone recommendations are more likely to be taken than an entire series. So please enjoy the new blog and my first review this week will be secret wars House of M.

How to do things #4: How to have fun when your parents aren't home!

So recently I have found out that most of my readers are either children between the ages of 4 and 10 which are the ages when the kid can sort of read but has no understanding of quality, and the droves of men and women they are warned to stay away from.

Above: the two kinds of people who read my blog

So today I figure I should write a blog catering to these kind of people, because even though they are my core reader group they're still leaving me. Now my first idea was to give out candy to random children or post child pron on my blog but both would get me registered by the fbi, and even though I am an awful sexual deviant I am not a pedophile, the reason they'remsexual charectaristics aren't big enough for me.  So instead I will tell you how to have fun without your parents! Ps if anyone would give my blog more views and comments if I posted child porn I'll do it.

Step: 1. Feeling lonely because you don't have/hate/knocked out/killed you siblings, well just smash the tv.This is because when the tv is smashed all the people inside it will come out and be your friends, and like all good friends they may even try to give/sell you drugs (10 year olds watch breaking bad a lot right?) also if your a pathetic chan user who undoubtedly lives with their parents then you can smash open the tv when your waifu is on it!

Step 2: Drink the chemicals under the sink! You know how your parents don't want you to drink alcohol but it'smorally really fun to drink, well your parents don't want you to drink bleach even more. This means that drinking bleach and other assorted cleaning products are fun, besides your parents are probably drinking it when your asleep!

Step 3: Make a fire in your living room! Remember monsters hate light almost as much as they hate parents or the JSDF, so to make sure you aren't attacked by monsters you should make as much light as possible, so turn on every light and set a fire in your living room. He'll just set the house on fire, not only will make monsters stay away from your house it will also kill anything inside the house and remember anything could be a monster!

Above:A monster and human free home!

 Step 4:Go on the Internet without your parent's permission! You remember how disney.com always asks you to ask a parent before going on the Internet. Well don't listen to them, in fact disney.com is a porn site if you don't ask your parents, he'll by some hookers if you want to and roleplay that they're your parents!

Facts about: The Internet!

   Hey totally Kool dudes and dudettes wanna hear about something radical and will be blowin ya mind yo yo yo! Not not drugs, the Internet!

Pictured above: an Internet.

 Now you may be asking me, what is the Internet, or how do you use it, or where am I and why is there a dead prostitute.( I know most of you are asking the last one!) Well all these questions will be answered below with phun phacts!

Fact #1: The Internet exists as a material yet immaterial thing made up of quasi invisible waves like ghosts or Elvis. This similairty to the structure of ghosts means that often times ghosts get stuck in the Internet. So next time your having computer difficulties just remember it's a tortured soul of the dead screaming endlessly due to seeing your sick fetish porn!

Fact #2: The Internet is hosted in a six foot ball in Sweden, if you chop the sphere in half, then half the Internet will not be able to access the other half and vice versa.

Fact #3: The Internet is dangerous so don't go on it at night!

Fact #4: People get around the Internet by surfing so you should try to shove yourself and a surfboard into your computer screen.

Fact #5: Remember to ddos the cci into Unix mainframe to cause a cyberspace vector in the main Sci servo.

Fact #6: Just like how the hulk gets stronger as he gets matter, your comment on an Internet arguments, point becomes stronger the angrier it seems. So to have a good argument try swearing typing in ALL CAPS, ajd calling your opponent racial and homophobic slurs.

Fact #7: If you don't want to seem old don't ue the following words, information super highway, cyberspace, or catheter.

Fact #8: Just like humans computers can get viruses, so if your computer is having problems and it's not a ghost then your computer has violence. Diseases can spread through human to computer through sneezing, coughing, or unprotected cybersex. To fix this try pouring medicine on your computer's hard drive.

Fact# 9:You're somewhere in Indonesia and the prostitutes name was Cindy.

How to do things#3 How to be Kewl!

  Hey non existent readers sorry I haven't posted for a while, gee drug dealer school can be hard with those drug making tests, I had to write a 12 page essay on bong injecting.

The best school for chemistry!

   Now todays how to is on a subject with deep connections to drugs, being Kool! Now remember this project can be dangerous and difficult so you should probably get your parent or parole officer to help with it, if your a DWEEB! Just kidding all my readers are f$&king dweebs because if they had friends, or could get laid they wouldn't read this blog.

You, yes you do look like that, unless your a girl in which case your that with tiny boobs.

Step 1: Sp3l1 3v3r33fing wr0ng

  Now many of you are wondering why you must spell badly, in fact you are probably saying random internet person I know being dumb is cool but isn't purposefully misspelling things a bit of a stretch. 

Well first off who over the age of 76 uses the term a bit of a stretch and e fact your using it shows me you need to read this, and second of all here is an example,  which bus stop would you rather wait in front, the one with this as the road marker.

Or the one with this as the road marker.

  Most cool people would obviously choose the second one. Now many of you would question why someone would purposefully patronize the bus stop with a spelling answer, but are you cool? Are you? Because your not, so you don't even understand why cool people do the things they do so don't question them, instead you should mindlessly copy what they do and listen to them like a North Korean would do for the old lady in a janitor outfit.

Step 2: Never call things cool.

  Now as a Kewl kid in training you may wonder why you shouldn't refer to that new magic bmx  surfboard you just got from an alien in the woods cool, after all your cool. Well this is because calling something cool means your not cool, and do you want to go back to being a dweeb?

You if you call something cool.

 Instead if you see something cool just call it one of the words that are often used to describe religious terrorists groups like, extreme or radical, or Islamist.

Step 3: Wear clothes backwards

   

 Now you may notice a lot of Kool kidz wear clothes backwards. The reason for this is because

in ancient Ireland people would wear clothes backwards to ward off fairies, who are known to be huge dweebs. 

Step 4: Don't learn things

Learning is for dweebs.

Step 5: Know how to use he cyberweb.

  Alright I know I said learning is for dweebs but no self respecting Kool kid hasn't surfed in to the cyberweb once. This means that like all other aspects of being cool you must follow people who are cooler than you. If you don't know how computer than just throw around terms like webpage, or chat room, or wanna cyber. These terms will make you Kool in the digital age.

That's all kidz and remember drugs aren't Kool unless it's cocaine.

Smart people humor

  Smart people humor is often kind of stupid and unfunny, I know this because as hard as it is to believe I am a smart people. Usually these jokes involve obscure historical figures and the humor sensibilities of a five year old, unless they're about Sigmund Freud.

The face of comedy!

  But accept for our friend siggy (why are there no nicknames for sigmund, that don't sound retarded.) most smart people jokes are actually dumb.

The other famous sigmund.

   That is until I found this.

This piece of fine wine cutlery (whatever the f$ck that means) used by boring rich white Protestants, seems innocent enough until you see a picture of a duck's penis.

And the best part is that this was entirely unintentional! Anyways sorry for the filler article, but I need to post things to let you know I'm not dead, or a wizard, though I may be a dead wizard. Leave a comment if you want a link to this wine bottle opener. Just kidding edgy 12 year olds can't have wine!

How to do things#2 How to access the deep web! Part 1 Preparing

  Now I've been making a lot of even more unfunny content where I break character, but don't worry I put my character back together with bullying and duct tape.

The 80s kind not the real kind you dweeb!

But back to the main subject, which is entering the thing we call the deep web. Now let me ease one worry of yours the deep web isn't a giant underground spiderweb, it's much much worse! The deep web is part of the cybernet which is where you can make a cool webpages, and surf to find info on knitting or your friend's sex lives.

Pictured above:Proper cybernet surfing.

But then again the Internet isn't all fun and calling people homophobic slurs, remember how tv tells you the Internet is dangerous and requires an adult to get into scandalous sites such as disney.com! Well disregard all that information because your going to the place on the internet with the highest concentration of scary and danger! On the deep web you can buy child sex slaves, military grade weapons, adult sex slaves, bushmeat, elderly sex slaves, radioactive material, and most scandalous of all pirated music. Still remember the deep web is very dangerous so you'll need to prepare first, and remember if something's dangerous don't go there at night so never go on the deep web at night. 

 So before we start this here is a list of things you should bring on a trip to the deep web.

1. A shovel, preferably made of demon proof cast iron, and or a power drill.

2.A laptop.

3. Optional: parent as they are the mystical gate keepers to the Internet, remember to never bring your own parent as they will be ashamed of you for doing this, though most of my readers parents already disowned them anyways.

4. A diving helmet and deoressurizer as the deep web is deep and could drown.

5.Some cash, cold hard cash because these guys ain't gonna take none of that credit shit

6.A friend who is not really your friend, so it doesn't matter if they disown you, but can still be used as an allaby if the mob finds you.

7. A condom/birth control pills for protection.

8.Some Mountain Dew and Doritos, and a waifu pillowas you can give these to the portal guardians at 4chan and they will fight off fight off the deep web netizens.

On some parts of the Internet this is valid currency.

9. A Blanket in case it's scary.

10. An accountant he says words you make money!

11.A shotgun and ammo, hackers and viruses are dangerous so you should be just as dangerous to them as they are to you.

12. A death certificate that says you are a dead baby in Zimbabwe, so just in case he deep web tries to murder you in the real world, it will kill some dead baby in Africa instead.

13.13 is a scary number but not as scary as the deep web! 

14. An onion suit, a lot of places on the deep we end with .onion so logically this means most denizens of the deep web are onions. Due to them being hostile to outsiders you should try to fit in, just like High school.

Side effects of an onion costume may include turning into a mildly unattractive Latina in a shitty stock photo.

Part 2 coming soon.

Tautology club

The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of the tautology club. This is because this is the rule that was made first of the tautology club rules because it is the first rule of ge tautology club. This means that the first rule of the tautology club is he rule that comes first on the list of the rules of the tautology club because it is the firs.

Let's learn about science: Cancer is an Std

     Now a lot of people say you can't catch cancer without a box trap but you can actually get it through sex! How you the nonexistent reader who is probably fapping to furry interracial fat dwarf scat satanic porn right now! Well as you all no if someone is radioactive they may get cancer, so if you sleep with a radioactive person then you'll catch cancer through sex. This means that cancer actually is an std in parts of New Mexico.

Fun fact: Nuclear tests are often done on tropical islands so if you nuke your house it will become a tropical island too.

Tip#3 Drugs are like candy!

    Everyday is halloween when you have frequent nightmarish hallucinations, so if you ever feel your in a spooky mood take ungodly amounts of Xanax!

Ps: Sorry I took a while to post new stuff but I had to break out of a Turkish prison in Oregon,  trust me every state and country has to have at least one Turkish prison for someone to break out of.

Dream Journal number 1

       My dreams are often horrifyingly weird with very few of them making sense. Often times my friends or locations appear in them and are completely different people or places , just like after college but with less sad nostalgia and more showing up to school naked and underwater shopping malls, which is just like actual college. The strangest dream I remember coherently is a little dream I like to call Camel park.
        The dream starts out with me being in driven in a shuttle bus to my friend's house, which for some reason was in the middle of a Centeral American jungle.

The perfect transport for highly populated jungles!

      Eventually I go inside my friend's house and meet his brother, only in real life his brother is around 11, and in the dream he was around 30 and possibly Latino. My friend's non existent older Latino brother who,was clad in full John Hammond regalia and a fez, walked me into the living room where I saw the worst idea for a theme park in history, Camel Park. 

     Camel Park is a huge expanse of deserts filled by tourists, wooden shacks and stables, and a bunch of camels walking around which is accessible from where the fourth wall in my friend's living room should be. Thie reason this is so bizzare is because, one the house was in a jungle, and two both in real life and the dream my friend lives on a cliff.  So this man who already made the dubious claim of being my friend's brother, made the even more dubious claim that he owned camel park.

Greatest theme park on earth.

Eventually we reached a huge wooden stadium seating in which people could watch the camels mill around. The man claiming to be my friend's brother wanted to go higher but then a annoying child yelled that we couldn't sit there because it was band seating. Seeing as how this man claimed he owned the park you would think he could go wherever he damn wants.

    So that's my weird dream, if you want to share, post post them in the comments and I might even post it on my blog. Just kidding I have no readers other than spambots and the investment bankers and we all know they don't dream!

History Sunday's! An blitzkrieg on poor grammar. (And my sad attempt at normal humor)

In the middle stage of the Mesozoic period a group of people called the grammar nazis decided to eliminate the ethnic group "Teh j00z", due to believing them inferior because of their lack of grammatical skills. Thousands were taken to concentration camps where they were obnoxiously corrected and no one took their argument seriously due to poor grammar skill with some even getting banned. Just remember your lucky to live tod.... AAAAAGAAAGHH

      My apologies but the author of this page has used the word your, a second person possessive, instead of the shortening of you are you're when appropriate. We have deemed him an untermensch and he is currently on his way to a concentration camp.

Normal people think this is funny, but you don't you weird motherf#%ker.

How to do things #1:How to catch a bullet!

       Hi I suppose you, the nonexistent reader, is confused on how this is different from Daily Advice. I would be confused two, as both of them have words, and involve numbers. However the daily advice posts are things that you use to protect you from dangers and communists, while this is for how to have 1337 skillz (the poor spelling makes me kewl). Today we are going to learn how to catch a bullet in the comfort of your home,backyard, or meth covered shantytown.

1. Find a box for your bullet to live in, to find a good box try to look for signs of feces, animal sex, or hard drugs.

You may have to fight off hobos for the box.

2. Poke a hole in the box with a knife or chainsaw so the bullet can breathe. If you don't have any of those check your stash of halloween candy for razor blades, trust me you'll find one.

3. Go outside and find a war, now to you wars may sound like exotic things done in places with brown people, but that's not true! In fact you can probably find a war in your backyard if you just look under a rock enough times.

Pictured above: a war.

4. Once you have found a war remember to put on a condom/take birth control pills so you're protected. Once your safe find a bullet!

5.Pick the bullet up, and put it in the box.

6.Congratulations you've just caught a bullet, now go tell all the voices in your head when they're done telling you to kill everything!

Note: This post could not have been made without my friend Ben who came up with the idea which I then modified and expanded with his permission. This is why it's funnier than usual. Ps Ben has a thrash metal band which you should check out, I forgot what it's called but it's probably along the lines of Viking Fight Satan Kill Party. 

Daily Advice #2 Bowling for ebola

    Remember the best protection against ebola, is to duck and cover.
     

If you duck and cover enough you can imprison Ebola in your arm!

Daily Advice #1: Fire is the enemy of man!

   Remember to always be quiet during a fire, because if you aren't the fire will hear you and chase after you. Once the fire hears you it will chase you and attempt to kill you every second you live!

Let's start this abommination.

        First off I understand no one will read this because it doesn't have cartoons, now don't take this as an insult because I do the exact same thing and you do to, yes you do admit it. However this blog will have prettyful pictures like this.

   See this, this is an actual poster from some Indian movie I've never seen. I mean for all we know the man could have set the train on fire, or the woman was the train all along, maybe it's just about stock exchanges I don't know because I'm not jesus and if I was I'd give myself infinite money.

Still we should get back to the introduction which I have now lured you into reading by posting an insane Indian movie poster.

      Now that the 1% of you who reads blogs without cartoons are wondering why am I a hipped  young teenage human writing a blog! Or at least you are now, now that you know I'm a teen. "aren't blogs for old people?", Well the truth is I want money, I mean I am an old people on the inside as you can see by this picture.

 Now you are wondering how this incredibly idiotic and unfunny blog could exist in a world of ironic facebook memes or why I would even make one not coutning the Bs old people excuse. The real reason I made this blog with awful grammar is because I need money and lack talent, making me hopeless until my friends told me the bizzare near schizophrenic stream of consciousness that comes out of my mouth is funny and people would buy a book of it.

   The only problem is before you make a book about yourself you need to be famous and what better way to be famous than to write a blog? So my idea is just to say stupid stuff and generate fame which I can turn into a book or ebook if Google turns all the books in the library into electricity and puts them into the giant ball in Sweden that hosts the internet. See I just said that, which shows how stupid I am and therefore funny. 

     Also if this blog offends you please tell everyone how awful I am on tumblr and talk about how I somehow offend you by saying the word "old people", because God knows giving attention to a media outlet makes it go away!